Fair vs. Gym

I went to the Alameda County Fair with my friends Jennifer and Andrea on Monday. It was so much fun. It was Food Fair Day which meant that admission was free if we brought in 4 non-perishable food items.... which of course we each did! And as an added bonus, all rides were 99 cents. (You paid a dollar and they "donated" your extra 1 cent to the Food Bank) We had a blast! We rode some rides, watched some acts (Alaskan Pig Races!, hypnotist, etc) and ate some delicious food. Oh man, did we eat some delicious food! Which brings me to my next item...

OH MY GOD I ATE SO MANY CALORIES ON MONDAY!! When I entered everything I ate for the day (including breakfast before the fair) into my food tracker with WW, it added up to 108 points!! 108!! That is... that... well that is a LOT. More than 3 days worth of points. But my God it was delicious. At the fair I ate:

A Kangaroo Sausage on a bun with onions
A bite of Python on a stick
French Fries with ketchup
Pink Lemonade
Most of a GIANT Funnel Cake with strawberries
1 Wine & Cheese Sausage Popper (small, about 1-2 bites)
A Corn Dog with ketchup
Cotton Candy
Grilled Corn on the Cob with Butter and salt

See? A LOT of food. As such, it was a MUST that I work out today at the gym. I had planned to go this afternoon, but was just too tired and ended up sleeping after setting up the fireworks booth. What I did instead was attempt to talk myself out of going when I woke up from my nap. Thankfully, and I truly mean thankfully, Jennifer texted me and said she was going to the gym. This was sort've my... well... I should go to. Thus, I went. And I decided to go 60 minutes at it on the eliptical. Non stop, baby! And I did. And I almost died in the middle of it.* But, I pulled through and never stopped. Stopping would have let myself down and I wasn't going to do that. I then did a 5 minute cool down and an additional 5 minuts on the ab workout machine. Then it was closing time. All in all, I didn't work off everything that I ate at the fair, but at least I worked out some. I got some exercise in and I feel good now. I did have to drive home with the windows down to help cool myself off, but it was great. I have a good sweat stain on my lower back that I'm super proud off too. Normally I hate sweating and I HATE having it show, but I'm proud of this one. 1. because it came from the gym and 2. because I needed to work off that food. I had my dad take a picture of it when I got home. Not a huge fan of the photo because I still look fat in it... hell, I still AM fat, but check out that stain. LOL





















*I often over exaggerate "death." For instance, at the fair I trip/stumbled. I recovered in 1 step. I don't even think anyone really noticed, but as I recovered I stated to my friends "Ohp, almost just died." Clearly, I did not almost die. So I use this term loosely. I am very aware of when it is safe to exercise and when it is not. I am aware of stopping excerise if you feel faint, neaseaus, dizzy, etc.

Who is that girl on the treadmill? Is that...? No way... YES! It's me!

I forgot to log my weight for the week. I normally weigh-in Tuesday night, but didn't since I had weighed myself on Monday. Apparently, I never entered this into my weight tracker though because it wasn't there... so instead I entered my weight as of today (confirmed both on the scale at the gym I joined... Hi! I joined a gym! More on this later... and on my home scale, which I'm happy to learn is accurate). I'm now at 209. According to the blog, I've lost 3 pounds. According to WW I've lost 6. I entered my start weight as 215 on WW since my weight usually fluctuated between 216-212 any given week, so I settled on 215, even though technically I was 212 that night. Regardless, this is my first week that I'm considering a victory since I've lost weight.

I have not been good on the eating front. I basically still eat whatever the hell I feel like instead of taking into account my points. My bad! I'm working on this though and am proud to say that today was a huge success. Maybe it was that I was eating more filling foods. Maybe it was that I worked out last night. I don't know, but today I ate well (only went 1 point over my daily allowed) and wasn't hungry and I didn't over eat! I consider that a NSV! (non scale victory)

Okay, for the gym. Jennifer told me about a Planet Fitness groupon and after a little research (read: asking Jen a bunch of questions), I decided to buy it. I now have a 2 month black pass to PF. There is one not far from me, so it's convenient! So far I've gone Wednesday night and tonight (Thursday night) and have worked out for about 45 minutes each night. I didn't want to push myself too hard in these first couple gym excursions since... holy hell I'm out of shape I don't want to hurt myself. I hadn't been to the gym since moving back to the bay, so this feels good. Also having Jennifer as a motivator/gym buddy helps a TON! In fact some co-workers were going out after work tonight to grab pizza and beer. Ordinarily I would have gone with, but no, not tonight. I declined because I had a gym date at 9 with Jen. :) Best decision I've made all week.

Like I tweeted earlier, "I hope this becomes a habit."

10/18/1993 - 07/04/2007

I have a post that has been in the making for a while... it's about my dog. I don't know when I'll finish it. In the mean time, I'm posting something that I've kept close to my heart for years.

When my cat passed away, I came across the following post:
http://turbulence.org/Works/saddest/index.php?id=43
It takes you to a page called The Saddest Thing I Own: Cat Ashes. There are plenty of other "saddest thing I own" posts, but I first saw this one and it helped. It was nice to know that I wasn't the only one who loved my cat so much that it hurt. I know it sounds morbid, but if you're ever suffering the loss of a pet, I'd suggest giving it (and the comments) a read. For me, it was calming, sobering, sad, and heartfelt. For me, it helped.

It was also the first place I wrote about the story of my cat to the world. My comment can be found posted on Friday July 13, 1007.

I miss you, Butterscotch.

You too, Abbey.

The one where I cry because I want a burger and instead settle for a freezer-burned Popsicle.

Sometimes I think I have an illness. Like some sort of emotional retardation, and I think Hey, maybe that is why you're still single. Then I realize... no, it's just PMS.

I cried 3 times today. 3 whole times in a span of an hour... so maybe it was just one long cry with dry spells in between?

So, generally speaking, right before I start my period I get very emotional. (Oh, was I supposed to warn you before I said something like that? Oh, oops. My bad.) Very emotional. As in, I cry over nothing. (Literally and figuratively) I might cry because nothing is happening in my life or I might cry because I can't decide if I want my bed to be put up on risers while it is in my "new" bedroom. Today it was the later reason.

You see, my sister moved out (Yay sister! So proud of you for taking the big move-in-with-a-man leap.) to go live with her FIANCEE. Yes, my sis got engaged. Woo! Go sis! I capitalized fiancee because I constantly still call him her boyfriend which is both incorrect and annoying to those who catch my error. Anyway, so she moved out and I moved into her room. I moved not because it's larger than my room, which it totally is and how did I not notice this until it was pointed out to me just days ago?!, but because my mother wants to remove the popcorn ceiling in my room, paint it, and paint the walls as she did to most of the rest of the house years ago. We literally moved the last of my sister's big stuff out on Monday. I mean she's been moving out for a while now, but we had to wait until it was dry to move her bed and entertainment center so we could use the truck. Why am I explaining this? You don't care. Anyway, on Monday my mom immediately started moving my stuff into "Sis' room"... I think I'll forever call it her room... even though none of her stuff is in here now. Last night I slept on my mattress in my room, while nearly everything else was in the other room. It was weird. I had to go into her room to get dressed today because that's where my dresser was.

Tonight though... well... tonight it's going to be strange to sleep in here. I mean, I've totally slept in here before. I actually have memories of being in a crib in my sister's room. I would stand up in my crib and... wait... have I mentioned this here before? Ugh. I totally have. Sorry about that.

Wow, I have strayed far away from what I was saying at first. Well... I had to decide today if I wanted my bed up on risers, as it was in my room, or not while my bed is in the "other bedroom." I'm only going to be in here for 2 weeks or so while we finish my room... maybe longer if I like it in the bigger room... but that decision brought me to tears and I think I may have frightened both of my parents. I know it shouldn't be a hard decision, but I got to thinking about how when sister's bed was in here, the dog would climb up on it and maybe, just maybe if I don't have risers the dog will feel good enough (she's got arthritis) to jump up on MY bed and snuggle with me like she used to when I had a futon. But then I realized that my bed even without the risers is still taller than sister's bed because her box spring is thinner than mine and I realized that dog probably won't jump on my bed anyway because she has a hard time jumping up on her favorite couch as it is now. AND if I don't put it up on risers then where would I put the things that I have stored under my bed?! Only a couple of the things that I currently have under it will still fit if I don't use the risers. AND I was hungry and didn't want to make that decision. So, all those things were going through my head and my mom wanted a decision right there and there, and my emotional PMS monster reared its ugly head and I broke down and cried. Now mind you, I wasn't a sobbing mess, (that came later while I was in the car, talking to my sister and my best friend, parked in the neighborhood where my other best friend will potentially be moving to in a couple months... I'll get to that...) but I was crying.

This is where the burger comes into play. It was at that moment that I realized that I'm hungry and I've been on my period for 2 days now and I haven't yet had grease. I know that sounds strange, but I CRAVE anything greasy the first day of my period. Suddenly ALL I WANTED WHAT A MOTHER F-ING CHEESEBURGER. But, today I had a weigh-in, and I didn't want to ruin any progress I may have made, so I knew I couldn't/shouldn't have one... I searched the house for something to eat, but I knew if I ate something I would still have that craving and it would haunt me. I was going to make a sandwich, but suddenly the bread that we had, multi-grain with those little annoying grain seeds in it, was disgusting to me. I was going to have some leftover lasagna, but that didn't sound good either. So, after frantically searching the house (actually... I was totally meandering through the kitchen and garage, walking slower than normal because I was sad), I started crying yet again. I wanted that cheeseburger, but I knew my parents would remind me that I didn't need it, that I had a weigh-in later, and that there are plenty of other things to eat in the house. But had they said any of that, all I would have heard would be YOU'RE FAT! Of course they wouldn't have said that, but that doesn't matter, that's all I would have heard... so I continued to cry. Until I saw the freezer-burned Popsicle in the freezer and I ate it. That helped. A little.

Then my mom and I got in an argument over moving something out of my closet and into the closet in the other room and I lost it. 45 minutes later I was in the car, with Burger King next to me, crying on the phone with my sister, while it was pouring rain outside, sitting in front of a stranger's house. I had decided that I needed that cheeseburger more than I needed a good number on the scale, so I left. I also needed out of the house. So while I got food I decided to try and find the house my friend bought. I found it and I was going to call her to make sure I had found it, when my phone rang. It was sister. The first thing out of her mouth is, "You got fast food for dinner?! We have to weigh-in tonight" and I lost my shit. I really did. I went from happy-go-lucky-I'm-going-to-call-my-friend-to-see-if-this-is-the-right-house (albeit a little ashamed of having Burger King in the car), to suddenly yelling and crying hysterically. My sister was able to calm me down and I drove home. When I got home, my another dear, dear friend called and she made me giggle, which I totally needed. Since then, I've been fine.

My numbers on the scale didn't reflect any change from the original weigh-in, but I still have time to show change, and at least now I have no cold, I feel great emotionally, and I no longer have a craving. WIN!

...

Does God even make a man strong enough to deal with that? I hope so.

Well, hello 2010. Nice to meet you.

Ahh... another year has passed. A lot of stuff and a lot of nothingness happened in 2009. The year started off slowly. To be honest, I sat at home, in my studio apartment in San Diego, on new years eve last year. I really wanted to finish the Twilight saga before 2009, so I did precisely that. I sat at home on December 31st and read the rest of Breaking Dawn. It was amazing. I finished shortly before midnight. Then I ate some cheese and crackers, drank a Mikes Hard Lemonade and went to bed. Spectacular, I know. Don't be too jealous.

This year, I came down to San Diego (I moved to the bay area in July and came down to visit) and spent December 31st trying to console a friend, helping said friend pack, and chatting with a group of really nice people whom I've met once or twice. We (my friend and the group of people) played taboo and had some champagne after midnight. It was pleasant.

Last March I was "involuntarily terminated" from the company I've worked with since 2005. That was tough. It meant that I needed to decide if I wanted to leave my home of 8 years (San Diego) and move back to the bay area, or if I wanted to look for a new job in a declining market to stay in my studio. As you may know, I chose to move. It's a choice that I believe was for the best. I'm glad I did it, but I also miss the city and people that I knew and loved. I had hoped that I would be able to see the city I loved, see the people I miss, and enjoy San Diego again for a couple of days. That hasn't happened and won't due to circumstances beyond my control, but it has opened up my ability to start out 2010 in a new, different way. I am starting my year, "showing my true colors." I enjoy showing my friends that I care about them. I think that a lot of good could come in the world if more people would do that.

My start to 2010 hasn't been a great one, but I'm with my best friend. She might be unhappy right now, but last year I started the year alone, so I figure this is a step up. Some of the years before were rang into terribly too, with 911 being called a couple of years. (One year, my dad broke his ankle and we didn't know... he kept passing out on New Years Eve, so we called. Turns out his blood pressure medicine when mixed with a broken ankle means bad news for the flow of blood to his head... I digress).

I'm trying to have high hopes for 2010. I had high hopes a month ago that the new year would be amazing. I mean, now I'm jobless and living at home... it kind've HAS to improve from here, right? But no... so many other things could go wrong... eek! I just hope that 2010 has good things in store for me... for my family, my friends... for everyone really.

Feel Free to Skip Over This Post. $$$$ :(

This is one of those posts that is really more for myself than anyone. Feel free to skip over it, it's not funny, it's a bit on the whiny side, and really it's depressing. (and it has a pinch of political in it... i think that's a first for this blog)

Money Woes have been on my mind lately. :(

Obviously with the holidays around my spending has increased. Luckily, I budgeted for this, so I'm fine, but somehow unexpected expenses always arise! My check engine light has been on for a while... like... 2 months or something like that. I have been trying to avoid it, but the opportunity to go to San Diego for New Years arose, so I thought I should get the light checked out in case I drive down. (Depending on airline deals and gas money, it can be cheaper to drive than to fly and right now I'm all for what's cheapest. I digress...) The last time it came on was a couple years ago and there was something wrong with the car's internal computer. Luckily that was under warranty, so they fixed it. I was hoping this time whatever the problem was would also be under warranty. Unfortunately, it was not. I ended up having to pay $600 to fix my car. :( Boo!! And on top of that, they gave me some recommendations for other things that need to be fixed. One of which I should probably take care of in the next couple months so that the axle doesn't need to be replaced, which would cost even more $$. In the grand scheme of things, putting a couple hundred dollars into the car, every couple of years is no big deal. I mean the car is 13 years old! But, when you're still looking for work, every penny counts!

I've been pretty lucky lately with being able to do things on a budget. Hanging out with friends is free and I always enjoy that. Also it doesn't hurt when the friend is baking and I get to sample yummy treats! (Thanks Jen!) hee hee. I was invited to go to the Sharks game on Friday night with Steph. It was last minute, as her husband couldn't make it because of work, but still it was free and fun! I have discounted tickets for the movie theatre, so I don't have to pay the ridiculous amount to see a non-matinee movie. Also, my sister as graciously allowed me to be added to her Netflix (since I canceled mine when I lost my job) without contributing yet.

I hate feeling indebted to people and I've felt that a lot lately. Especially because it's not that I have no money. If that was the case, you'd probably see my stuffing tacos at Taco Bell (if they're even hiring). I'm not at the point yet where I have to take any ol' job that I'm over qualified for. I am however, preparing so that I don't have to be in that position for a while. I have budgeted enough to be able to continue to pay my COBRA benefits (which will triple next month because the COBRA subsidy ends for me). There are 2 bills right now that will help me tremendously. 1 is in the House, the other in the Senate. Both would increase the length of the subsidy. One would increase the amount the subsidy is for. I can manage on the current amount, so increasing the % is not a big deal to me, but it probably is to a lot of other people. I hope they make decisions on it soon, so I don't have to pay the increased premium for very long. I'll be keeping it for January in hopes of the bills being signed in, but in the mean time I'm looking for other, cheaper options.

...wait... that's not quite where I was going with that paragraph. I was trying to say that I feel indebted to people lately. I've always been of the mindset where I like things even. I don't like feeling like I owe people things. Money, food, gas, time, anything. I don't like feeling like I've spent more of someone else's something than they have of mine. So, I've try to be even about things. If someone drove somewhere once, I drive the next time. If someone bought something once, I buy the next time. That sort've stuff. It works out well when living with roommates and I think it makes for happier friendships. I mean, I don't mind doing extra things for friends, it just shows how much I care about them, but I get down on myself when I feel like my friend has gone out of their way for me and I haven't been able to reciprocate that kind've generosity. ... In short, it's been hard on my lately. Feeling like I owe people things, whether it's my family or my friends. I don't like this feeling at all. I feel like the little that I do, isn't good enough. The looks on their faces tell me otherwise, and I know that they understand my situation, but I still feel like I'm not pulling my weight.

I ALMOST hate Delta, but they didn't completely fail me... yet...

I'm in Georgia!! It's like... way late here and I thought I would be tired since I woke up at 4:15am (after going to bed at midnight) pacific time, but no... still not tired. Boo!

I got to SFO at 5am. My flight was scheduled to take off at 6am. No problem, right? WRONG! I got out of the car and as I was walking towards the Delta signs there was a sign outside that said for all Delta flights if you're flying to or THRU one of the following cities, you check in here (meaning the outside kiosk). Atlanta was listed as one of the cities, and the line looked shorter than the one I saw inside, so I was like "score!" and I stood in line. 5-10 minutes later I'm at the kiosk and the man tells me "Oh, it's not letting me check you in here, you have to go inside." I reply back, "but your sign says that if you're flying through Atlanta then I need to check in here." The man then tells me "yeah, but the machine says I cannot do it. You need to go inside." So I am a little peeved, because it was cold and I thought I was getting a good deal by standing outside and following Delta's signs, but turns out I just wasted time and now have to go inside. I tell the man, "then you should really change your sign because it says to check in here and now you're telling me I can't!" (I was also tired... hello... 4 hours of sleep!)

So, I go inside and I walk the line to find the end and I finally get to what I think is the end of the line... it is! Someone keeps calling more people forward to check in and people are looking happy as they leave. :) Good! Success! .. or so I thought... I get to the front and turns out it's those self-check-in things. No problem. Southwest has these (BTW: I LOVE SOUTHWEST), I've used them, no problem.... again... I was wrong. The machine won't let me check my bag, it tells me something is wrong and I have to see an attendant. WTF? I JUST SAW AN ATTENDANT AND HE TOLD ME TO COME TO YOU STUPID MACHINE! *breathe* calm down... so I call for a guy behind the counter (who presumably are there to help). A girl behind the counter starts talking to me and calling me Jackie and I'm trying to interrupt her and tell her that I'm not Jackie and that I need help nonetheless and she is just rambling on and finally I have to speak over her and say "I'm NOT Jackie. I'm not whoever you think I am." The lady replies, "well, where is Jackie?" to which I say, "I don't know. I don't know who that is, but my machine won't let me check in, can you help me?" ... she has no response and she just walks away. B*tch. Another guy walks by and I just say "what does it mean when it says " and the man stops, looks at the screen and says, oh, you can't check in here, you have to go to that line (and he points to a line behind me... which is clearly labeled International Flights) and I'm like "that line?!" and he goes "no, go stand behind the man in brown"... and that's when I notice there is a smaller line right next to the International Line... I saw this line when I first came after the kiosk guy told me to. I thought it was part of International... I was wrong.

It was the line to go to the Domestics counter... the line that I THOUGHT I went in and instead got to the electronics counter... the only problem is... I have wasted 15 minutes standing in line and trying to deal with this stupid ELECTRONIC thingy and the man in the brown suit HASN'T MOVED since I've been inside!!! It is now like... 5:25. I am still comfortable knowing that I will not miss my flight, but I am FREAKING OUT that they will not take my bag because online it said you had to have your bag checked in 30 minutes before departure for Delta to guarantee it will make it on your flight. So, I go and stand behind the man in brown and start praying. Well... not "praying" per say, more like that "OH GOD PLEASE HELP ME" plead that people get in dire situations... which I guess is like prayer, but with less "thank yous" and more "I promise to never do this and such if you just help me!"

I am standing there for MAYBE 1 minute when an attendant who reminds me of Martin Shorts character in Father of the Bride (where he's like kind've "foreign" but also kind've metro or gay or something) comes up and is asking people when their flight is. I say mine is 6am and he looks at me and goes, "Do you have a boarding pass?" and I said "Yes, but I need to check my bag." He says "Oh no, you can use the electronic check in, it'll be faster, the counter is too long" to which I reply, "I just tried that, it didn't work and the guy back there said to stand in this line." The man (who I will now call Roy because I later find out that is his name) says "Give me your boarding pass. Electronic will work." (I stay in line behind the brown coat man just in case because if Roy is wrong, I don't want to lose my place) I keep a close eye on Roy with my boarding pass and he is trying to work the electronic thing but keeps getting interrupted by people around him (for example the electronic machine next to him didn't print out a boarding pass for the guy using it... see... their technology sucks). I'm watching Roy and it messes up just as it did for me. He turns to me and says "That's NOT a special bag!" and I say "I know! I told the machine it wasn't!"

**okay, please note here... a special bag is something that is heavier, larger, funny shaped, etc than your typical checked bag. I had checked in online the day before and told the computer that I had to check 1 bag and had 0 special bags. I KNOW I said "NO" to the special bag area... but when I looked at the confirmation online it said: 1 checked special bag. I could not go back and edit this online even though I tried.**

Roy finally LIES to the machine. He tells the machine that I'm checking in with 0 bags total. 0 checked and 0 special. The machine is happy and continues on. Then Roy re-checks me in and says I have 1 non-special bag and the machine is like "Oh Roy. You are so nice. I am going to do whatever you want because I believe you. I don't believe that brunette over there with the angry eyes." As I'm watching Roy do his thing, I start to walk over to him because I see the machine asking for a credit card to pay the bag fee. Roy starts yelling, "Ma'am! Ma'am! Where are you, I got it to..." and I'm like "I'm right here. I see that. Thank you SOOOO MUCH!!" and I smile real big and I think about hugging him because THANK THE GOOD LOVING LORD FOR MAKING ROY! He walks off to help someone else and I take my credit card out and put it in the slot and a receipt prints out and I wait for someone behind the counter to come by with one of those long white sticker things that they put on your bag, because that's what I've been watching them do for some time now whenever someone is done paying. So I wait, at this point it's like 5:28. I have "checked" my bag and I have a receipt for payment BEFORE the 5:30 cut off and I am no longer freaking out, although I am still plenty mad that they made me freak out. I think that I am home free... but... oh... what is this you say? Hammy is not lucky enough to be "home free" and Hammy should have handcuffed herself to Roy because the machine CLEARLY like him more than me??? ARGH!!!

The machine tells me again "please insert credit card for payment" and I'm like ?????? but I refuse. I think "NO machine! I will NOT insert my credit card, I have already put it away because you gave me a receipt."... but then I think, what if even though it charged me, it just didn't get all the verification it needed or something... I start to rationalize why the machine might want to see my card again, so I swipe it again. No receipt and the machine mocks me "please insert credit card for payment." Umm... at this point I just want my damn bag GONE, so I put in another credit card and STILL nothing!! So I flag ANOTHER man down and say, umm... I have a receipt but no one has taken my bag, my flight is at 6! and the man says, "oh, hmm.. nothing printed out. Umm... let's call Roy over. ROY! HEY ROY!" Roy doesn't hear him because he's helping other people, (what a busy man Roy is) so the man behind the counter tells me "ask that attendant for him" and he wanders off to help someone else with their bags. So I yell "excuse me sir!" and Roy looks up and says "I'll be right with you ma'am." He finishes whatever he's doing (helping some lady in a wheelchair get in line or something) and walks over and I tell him that the man behind the counter said nothing printed out for the bag, but I paid and have a receipt. The man behind the counter walks up and verifies that nothing printed out. Roy takes my boarding pass AGAIN, scans it and the electronic machine tells Roy IT IS TOO LATE TO CHECK BAGS FOR THIS FLIGHT! Roy says "oh, you're late. you can't check your bag now." and I pretty much verbally STOMP that idea to the ground. I FIRMLY and AGITATEDLY state "NO! I was NOT late! I have been trying to check this bag for 30 minutes. I've been told to stand in 3 different lines. I even have a RECEIPT from the machine saying I paid to check the bag already, but the machine didn't print anything out to put on my bag!" I mean come on Roy... you've already helped me... you KNOW that I'm not late. Are you so busy that you can't remember the brunette who sassed you earlier when she didn't believe that the electronic machine would work for you because it didn't work for her? Anyway... Roy either pitied me or feared me, but either way, he jumped behind the counter and said "I'll take care of this."

Then, this next part, took seriously like 1 minute... 1 minute.... that was ALL it took for him to put some yellow tag on my bag, ask me where I was going ("Valdosta, Georgia"), staple some yellow strip of paper to my boarding pass and tell me "You flight has already boarded. Go to the lady at the security check point. Don't stand in line, just go to the lady" I thought "SWEET! I can jump the line" for a moment, but quickly realized that I'd been fooled before by Delta, not just 10 minutes ago, so I said "thank you" and high tailed it around the corner to security. There was a lady standing at the beginning of the security line, so I stopped at her, waved my boarding pass and yellow stripe at her. She asked me "what time is your flight at?" "6" I reply. She tells me to go to the line all the way to the left. There are maybe 4 people in that line where there at at least 10 in all the others, so I'm feeling a little more at ease... that's when I realize that I didn't actually see what Roy put on my bag... omg!? I told him I was going to Valdosta, he saw my boarding passes, did he mark my bag for Valdosta?? Or just for Atlanta?? OMG! I am NOT paying another $20 in Atlanta to have them take my bags to Valdosta! I don't want to have to go through security AGAIN after I get my bag in Atlanta. I am NOT going down to baggage claim in Atlanta! If my bag is not there in Valdosta, then I will just file a missing bag claim and yell at Delta and curse them to high heaven for this crappy morning! The man checks my ID and boarding pass at the end of the line and I bee line for the shortest security scanner line. I breeze through it (however easily you can breeze through those when you need to remove your shoes, jacket, and take your laptop out and your liquids!) and luckily my departure gate is 2 gates away from security. So I make it with PLENTY of time to board.

I am feeling anxious about my bag, but happy to be on the plane. I walk back to my seat and see who my seatmate is and ... omg... she's big! I mean she wasn't like 400 lbs huge as a house, but she was big. Way bigger than me!

... okay, this will have to continue another day... it's way late and I really should sleep... until next time, where you hear about my seatmate and the nice, old, chatty lady in Atlanta who is going to her 55th high school reunion.

Oh, and the time stamp below is Pacific Time... so it's really 3:06 Eastern time.

My cup is half full.

You know, I find that my happiness in life is slowly increasing. It was a shock to move back to the bay area away from all that's been familiar for 8 years. I put a strain on my life momentarily, but as things settle and I become more used to being back, I'm finding that I'm becoming happier and happier. This may have something to do with no longer working for LPL too. (I suspect it actually has a LOT to do with that.) However, with all this, I find that my life is feeling more and more empty. How is it that I can be "happy" and still feel "empty?"

What I mean by empty is that I'm finding that there are things I want to accomplish but either cannot right now or just plain don't. With all this free time I feel like "now is the time" to do these things and yet there are other constraints which keep me from accomplishing them. For example, with the lack of job comes the lack of income. I have enough saved up to comfortably live. I am by no means "just scraping by" and luckily I have no outstanding debt. But with the lack of income I am more reserved in my spending, which in turn means I have a very hard time convincing myself that the roughly $400 bill in air travel to see my friends Lizzy and Matt in Georgia is worth it.

With all this time, I should be volunteering with organizations and helping out and yet I keep myself from doing these things because when I do get a job, I'll probably have to cut back on that and so I don't want to make a commitment right now that I may or may not be able to stick with later. Of course I have thought, "well, some help now is better than no help ever," but I somehow always dismiss that.

For those reasons I feel empty. I feel like I'm not accomplishing things with my time right now. I should put forth a greater effort. I need better time management skills in my personal life. I can time manage just fine with work, I'm good at prioritizing work responsibilities, but when it comes to my personal life the gauge for what is most important is hard to distinguish. I feel like a sim whose social, fitness, philanthropy, and love bars are in the red and I don't know which one to work on first.... and yet somehow my happiness meter is in the green (probably yellow-green). It's a strange feeling.

...

I think the first thing I want to do is what I've always said I wanted to do. I want to work on my fitness. I see my friends and they're all thinner than I am. I don't compare myself to them, as everyone is different, but I'm not blind. I can see that I'm usually the largest one when I hang out with people. It's easier here, in the bay area, surrounded by people I know care about me (friends included) than it was in San Diego surrounded by tanned and toned beach bodies all the time. My goals seem easier to reach here, partially because of my "motivating" father (he means well even if I don't always take it well), and partially because my goals are more realistic. I still have the same ultimate "goal weight" but I think the time-frame in which I wish to accomplish such a task doesn't seem like it needs to be as rushed as it did before.

I said before that I have a subscription to Fitness magazine. I changed my address with them and finally got the next issue here, maybe that is where all this is coming from. Or maybe it's just that time of year where I get the motivation bug. I have the resources, the support, and for the moment I have the motivation. I want it to stick this time, I have a glimmer of hope that it just might.

When Pigs Fly

I'm 25 years old. You'd think I'd have figured myself out by now. I never understood how the world expects an 18 year old to know what they want to do with their life. When I was 18, I had no clue. I went to college because it seemed like the next logical step. Okay, that's not entirely true, I've always had ideas, aspirations, goals on what I wanted to do with my life, but they fluttered all around my head never quite in reach. I used to want to be in the Secret Service, a police officer, a singer, an actress, a lighting designer or theatre electrician, an IRS auditor, and even a truck driver. Yeah... I've had quite a wide range of ideas, with none of them fully realized.

I'm hoping that this blog will help me realize some of these goals and/or dreams. I know I cannot become all the above professions, but to be able to work on something that I really enjoy will be a nice change. My giant, overbearing step 1 on my list of things to get done in life is: lose weight. I am unhappy with my current weight, as I find most women are, which I think leads me to be unhappy with other aspects of my life. What I'd really like to do in life is lose weight and start working in some community theatre groups in plays - onstage or behind the scenes. I would love to get into the entertainment industry. I used to want to be an actress, I still do sometimes, but I've only taken a couple of classes and have never been in any plays. I took a practicum class in college where we focused on set lighting. I loved it. It was so much fun to figure out the light plot, hang lights, focus for designers, even set the light board for a play. I once was the light board op for a play too... it was great! I want to get back to that sort've "love what I do" mentality.

My current job falls way off the mark of such a "love what you do" mentality. In fact, I may even venture to say that I hate being at my current job. The problem isn't so much what I actually do, as that is more or less easy, it's more of the envirmonment that I work in. I can handle getting yelled at by people all day to help them save money, but I can't handle my managers not backing me up, pushing their work back on me, not communicating well, and talking about killing animals at work (yes, it is a frequent topic at work. very disturbing). I want to love what I do and it would be a plus to be paid big bucks to do it. :)